based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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