Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he was CRYING into my vagina
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
