There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
