remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
