I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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