Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So much rum. So many feels.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
