Jerry, you need to find god
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
