My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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