Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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