I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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