Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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