If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
