I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
