If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
