I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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