I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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