I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
