I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My feet surprised me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
