My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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