Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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