She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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