I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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