I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
