If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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