____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
