aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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