ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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