i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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