True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
