Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My bed smells like the plague
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
