I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
