She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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