So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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