Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
