the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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