the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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