Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
