Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
