Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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