So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
