Acid is not a monday night drug
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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