I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
