Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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