I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
