In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
