You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
