I smell stomach acid.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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