he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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