i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
