I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
