last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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