Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
