When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
