Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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